A Fortress of One: Understanding how Hyper-Independence Keeps Love at Bay
In a world that celebrates doing it all yourself, we often treat needing help as a weakness. But for some, being "strong" becomes a trap called hyper-independence—a compulsive need to handle everything alone. While it feels like a strength, to a partner, it feels like a wall that says "keep out."
Where does it come from?
Hyper-independence is usually a survival strategy learned from the past. It often starts because:
You had to grow up fast: You had unreliable caregivers and learned that if you didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.
You’ve been burned: You opened up in the past and were met with pain or abandonment, so you vowed never to be that vulnerable again.
You fear losing control: You worry that needing someone means they get to control you or your identity.
How it hurts your relationship
You might be deeply in love, but your "independence" can accidentally push your partner away:
The Debt Trap: You refuse help because you don't want to "owe" anyone anything.
The Emotional Retreat: When you’re hurting, you hide. This leaves your partner feeling unneeded and shut out.
The "Super-Hero" Mask: You take on everything alone to feel capable, but you end up feeling exhausted and empty. Deep down, you actually want to rely on someone—you’re just afraid to try.
Shifting to a Team Mindset
The goal isn’t to become needy; it’s to become interdependent. This means you are capable of standing alone, but you choose to share the weight of life with your partner.
Try these small shifts:
The "Small Ask": Ask for help with something tiny, like picking up a snack or proofreading an email. Build the "trust muscle" slowly.
Speak your mood: If you aren’t ready for help, just say how you feel: "I’m overwhelmed. I don’t need a solution yet, I just wanted you to know."
Pause the "Pull-Away": When you feel the urge to hide, ask yourself: "Am I doing this because I want to, or because I’m afraid to let them in?"
If you love someone hyper-independent: Don’t chase them. Instead, gently tell them how much it means to you to be included: "I know you can handle this, but it makes me feel like your teammate when I’m allowed to help."
