How Placeholding Hurts Your Success

Nov 2

If you're dating someone, but secretly know they're not "the one"—you're in a placeholder relationship. A placeholder partner is someone you date temporarily to fill a void, avoid loneliness, or pass the time until someone "better" comes along. It's safe, it's comfortable, and it's fundamentally unfair to them and damaging to you.

If this is you, it's time to stop the cycle.

Why You’re Doing It

Fear of Being Alone: You use a partner as a shield against the discomfort of solitude.

Ego Boost: Their attention and commitment make you feel valued and secure.
Distraction: You're avoiding dealing with a recent breakup, insecurity, or a lack of purpose in your life.
Settling: They're "good enough for now," allowing you to remain passive in your dating life.

The Real Cost

Using someone as a placeholder is a form of emotional dishonesty that prevents both of you from finding a real connection.

You Waste Their Time: They are investing genuine feelings in a future you know will never happen.
You Stunt Your Own Growth: You sacrifice the opportunity to become emotionally independent and truly ready for a meaningful partnership.

How to Stop the Cycle

1. End the Current Relationship

You must end it immediately. Continuing is deceptive.

Be Clear and Kind: Don't offer false hope or use vague language. Take responsibility.
State Your Truth: "I haven't been honest with myself or you. I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship, and it wouldn't be fair to continue."
Cut Cleanly: Do not suggest staying friends right away. Give them the space to heal.

2. Embrace Being Alone

The engine of placeholding is the fear of solitude. You must learn to love your own company.

Set a "No-Dating" Period: Commit to a few months of intentional singleness.
Date Yourself: Reconnect with hobbies and passions. Fill your life with things that make you happy, not a partner.
Find the Void: Ask yourself, "What am I running from?" Seek therapy or focus on self-improvement to address the real reasons you feel incomplete without a partner.

3. Redefine Your Dating Goals

When you are ready to date again, change your intention.

Prioritize Integrity: Only pursue relationships where you can offer genuine, long-term commitment.
Communicate Honestly: If you are dating casually, be upfront with potential partners about your availability and intentions.

Stopping this cycle is an act of integrity—it respects their heart and frees your own.

The Babe Staff

The Babe Staff is dedicated to helping people learn, grow, and experience better relationships.